finn judson barrett.

i have tried to sit down and write about our son's entrance into this world so many times. to be completely honest, it was a bit too "raw" until now. it's difficult to even find the words to explain the emotions we've experienced the last 6 weeks of our lives. but i'm gonna try to find the words...so here the story goes.

i started having contractions about 10 minutes apart on wednesday, sept 21. they stayed consistent but still not close enough to go to the hospital. i labored all night and into the morning. the contractions were strong but not the "holy crap. this is it." kind. so i cuddled with liv knowing it was probably the last night she was my "only child", shaved my legs, finished packing my hospital bag & tried to rest, ha. dutch and i took liv to school thursday morning. the contractions were coming about 7 minutes apart. we then went "mall-walking", snagging starbucks and some new pjs for me. we walked a lot. all the while dutch timing with his "contraction app." we were excited. anxious. giddy. we knew it was getting close. finally about 11:15 am...i said, "it's time honey. let's do this." we arrived at the hospital just before noon. i wore a superwoman shirt. fast forward 10 hours. it was push time. (i'll spare you all the labor details.) but i will tell you it only took 4 pushes. and i'm not quite sure that's something you brag about or not...haha. but let's just say this momma has some push power. ;)

it's a boy!! o-m-g! what an awesome awesome surprise. one of each! should have known i had some testosterone flowing through my body the last 9 months. dutch and my mom were in the room with me. we were all exstatic of course. bring on the bow-ties and the suspenders. and we shall call him finn judson. it was important to dutch to have an irish name (his family is irish.) and finn had been the only irish name we both loved. judson is dutch's & his father's middle name. it wouldn't be long until we realized how perfectly fitting the meaning of his name, "giant warrior" would be.

they placed our son on my belly as dutch cut the cord. we were overjoyed. they took finn away to get his stats, get him cleaned up & suction him. and then they suctioned him. and sunctioned him. and sunctioned him. i looked over at dutch & could tell by his face something wasn't as it should be. just about that time, we got the news that our lil guy indeed had fluid in his lungs & would need to be admitted to the NICU to have a doctor check him out. the next 72 hours are honestly a complete blur.

the fluid in finn's lungs was more than just fluid. it was an infection, a bad furious infection. pnuemonia had set in and our son was a critically ill little boy. the pnuemonia caused finn's right lung to partially collapse & he had multiple tears in both lungs. he was put on life support. hearing the words "your child is in critical condtion" come out of a doctors mouth literally rips your heart out of your chest. you hear these stories where parents have babies that are sick. your heart breaks for them. but you just know "it would never happen to you." and if for some crazy reason that it DID, you can't imagine how you would react. i really contemplated on whether or not to post pictures of him while he is in the NICU. as much as i wanted it to be just a "bad memory" it's much more than that. it's an experience that surprisingly changed our lives for the better. of course, you couldn't tell me while it was happening. leaving the hospital without your baby in your arms truly (for lack of better words) sucks. dutch and i would literally hold each other up sometimes leaving each night.
of course i was a complete hot mess to say the least. the tears did not stop falling. i could not sleep. i could not eat. i was still in shock that this "supposed to be happy time" wasn't going as i had "visioned" and was more like a living nightmare. as much as i hate to admit this, i was more than just sad. i was mad. actually mad at God. that's so hard to write down but i just want to share how much i learned. i'll never forget this certain moment. i was sitting in a vacant hospital room while the doctors were attempting to put a pic line in finn. i was all by myself pumping my boobs so they could hopefully feed my breastmilk to him through a feeding tube. i was alone. and desperate. then something happened. God opened my eyes. he made me realize i had to not only have faith. i had to completely 100% LEAN on my faith. He had chosen ME to be finn's momma for a reason and it was then i realized how blessed i was to have this little boy. sick and all. i got peace. peace in my heart. this was all going to be in the "rearview mirror." i thanked God it was "just pneumonia" and he wasn't terminally ill. i went from "mad" to "thankful." soon after, we finally caught a break. the antibitics were working and finn was getting stronger. dutch and i were finally able to hold our son for the first time when he was 8 days old and after 2 long weeks, we finally went home as a family of four.

somehow, going through this experience made me fall even more in love with my husband. i really can't even tell you how amazing that man is. liv was and still is an absolute ray of sunshine. she kept our spirits lifted and was a nurse favorite. ;) it's funny how the things in life that you think are SO important can so quickly become so insignificant and downright just dumb. not only do i know i will be a better mom...i will be a better christian, wife, daughter and friend. we truly were BLOWN AWAY by how thoughtful and amazing our family and friends are. every single call, visit, text, care package, meal, facebook message and card meant so incredibly much. i know this post is all over the place but just one last thing. don't let the silly crap in life get you down. don't take things for granted. squeeze and kiss and love on your kids. all the time. soak up every sweet moment. and use lots of hand sanitizer this winter. hahaha. well, my healthy lil man is ready for his late-nite snack so duty calls... hey, you won't catch me complainin. ;)


Courtney said...

holy crow i'm glad that sweet boy is home and healthy now!


JudyandRoger said...

OH MY GOODNESS ....I'm weeping AGAIN! It changed our family's outlook on "Days of our lives"
Such love and support of God, family & friends surrounded me in Texas....miles apart...but so close!
THAT'S what family is all about...and Master Finn...reminded us of this! God loves him...
It was sooo good to see Finn in the flesh this past week!
love from, auntie julo

JudyandRoger said...

So beautifully written Momma Erin...